What is the central theme to this everlasting spoof?

7:39PM

so now im here and i dont know if im supposed to be here. i feel this mounting pressure again and i dont want to take them again. but maybe i need to. but then how can i ever be happy if i cant feel it.
im here but
where am i supposed to be?

( Give Me What I Lack )

1:19AM

i see myself in some chair. the carpet is bluish. im eating these tablets and they're yellow. not the yellow of wallauer's wallpaper, just the yellow of my great granma's canary birdie. and im drooling. i really don't feel anything anymore and when you touch me i forget who you are. and then you're someone else and i see you walking out of the door of the glass case and sometimes you bring me flowers and they are purple i put them on my windowsill where i spend a lot of my time just staring out into people walking below. i cant see their faces most of the time, usually they wear umbrellas to stop the water falling. only i see their hands swaying together. and sometimes my mom is there. she lives near my house. she doesnt see the people i see, she sees the water. her eyes dont look the same as they did.
one day i want the person that i forgot to come get me. but they cant. they can go through the glass but i cant.

i know this is our story. i just hope my heart wins out over my brain. i hope i live to see the ending.

( Give Me What I Lack )

8:11PM - take me to the movies, take me to the beach, you'd take me to a place inside that was so hard to rea

you'd take me to the movies, take me to the beach, you'd take me to a place inside that was so hard to reach.

( Give Me What I Lack )

11:09PM

i'm just updating so i don't lose my lj.
oh and...i love jeremy de luca.

(1 Took The Best Parts Back | Give Me What I Lack )

10:50PM

i shame the portraits
of the men
that i walk in front of.

they will never know the ways
of me
the mysterious blonde
geisha.
ever the servant
with the upper hand.

their minds
do not realize that
without women, there are
no men.

women made them.
women raised them.
women broke them
on their knees and
women broke them
between their thighs.


women took them from the soil
of boyhood
and broke them
to rise as the saplings of men.

( Give Me What I Lack )

2:03AM

don't you know
your hands tracing the vertabrae
of my back
are one of the many?

you have to lace your fingertips
across the back of my
neck
much like a samurai
slices through the neck's flesh
with his sword.
they feel one in the same.
your fingertips
his sword.
your words.

do not use the word love
its power is beyond you.
beyond earth
beyond whatever you feel when
you touch me
where so many others
have touched me.


because, baby,
i'm on the other end of
your tin can and string.

but i dont know
what is a can?
what is a string?
what is this name that you ring?

the mirage of the virgin princess is nothing more
than a shattered heap of mirror shards
and tattered cloth,
and clouded emotions.

( Give Me What I Lack )

12:18AM

for the love of
the unknown deity
that lies
above me,

what the fuck am i going to do with all of this fortunate misfortunes?

where am i going to go with this blind pilot?

why can't the gears
in my brain
just stop for one
single
mninute.

must there always be this churning of wheels?

this greasing of already fast gears winding and creaking their spindly portrusions for the satisfaction of
driving me out of my skull shaped jail cell?

the bars
in my cerebrum
are heavy as
lead dreams
laden with mistaken
identitifications and
popped balloon animals.

( Give Me What I Lack )

10:57PM - the frug - rilo kiley

I CAN TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF BUT I CANNOT FALL IN LOVE.

( Give Me What I Lack )

( Give Me What I Lack )

10:32PM - on feeling uninspired

maybe the time has come to rise above.


i have to be my own woman.
i can no longer pray at the pedestal of your sex,
my wanton mouth with candied lips.

it's a dog.
it's a virus.
it must be fed.
my insides scream your name and it claws at my throat
when your hand grazes the hem of my skirtline and
i just want to sink
into the pillows of your headboard.
and begin vanishing
deeper into the quicksand of blankets
but i realize i am only vanishing
deeper into you, and everything in this black hole
smells like you.

fed to the lions, i must
gain what i have sewn.
reap the broken glass.
redeem myself. renew my definition.

my glasses have to change.

( Give Me What I Lack )

9:44PM - black coffee blues

wow no one has these/ reads these anymore. but whatever. i felt the need to write.

so jeremy has me reading henry rollins. it's good. i admire his stream of conciousness writing. but, i find some of it disturbing. but for my own reasons.
he wrote this one passage, number 50, about rape.
i cried.
he writes a lot about abuse.

its hard to believe that a month from this week it will be a year.
a year. and it seems like it went by faster than it should.
but a year doesn't heal the wounds. they still gush the blood forth.

and his writing makes me reconsider the relationship between men and women and he said something that i thought was good...it was something along the lines of "i love it when people use each other because it is one time where people are truthful to each other for a significant amount of time." and i think its true. but it also kills me.
i look at his away message.
he is "out with his lovely girlfriend" getting ice cream.
i don't get ice cream.
i get a fuck and a get the fuck out.
yet we're truthful.
faithless.

why did i never get the ice cream?
i was too bad, too raw, too sexed to be the "lovely girlfriend."
i was born to be the "other woman."
i live in an underworld of infamy and sick twisted prestige.
but for one day,
i wonder what it would be like to don the polo and be chauffeured around, be taken to dinner, be given flowers.

but i'm too far gone for that. i am the sun of my life. i'm a shit. and then when people actually care about me i repay them with forgetfulness and my wishy washy crap.
i just wanted to die. i can't believe i forgot his birthday. i wanted to crawl into a hole and not see daylight, and that would not reach the brink of the punishment deserved.

Current mood: drained

Current music: Neighborhood 4 - arcade fire

( Give Me What I Lack )

5:50PM

i have realized that somewhere in my life, i slipped. i fell. i broke. i am wrong. i am always wrong. i am only tricked into feeling like i am correct when in truth, i am exactly like the kids i teach. tricked. fooled. made a fool. i am told four different things, when my real choice is only one.
do i rise above and force myself into the other three things?
of course not.
i do the mundane.
it is easier to hurt others.
it is easier to make myself my own legend in my own mind,
and never heed the stories of others.

i am my own goliath.
i have never been my david.

i have no friends anymore. it is because i am a blackhearted person. because i am not worth anyone's time.
because i am not worth my own.
because i am ascerbic.
because i am wrong, yet believe i am always right.
because i am loudmouthed, yet ignorant.
because i am close minded, yet, vocal.
because i am false.
because i am not real.

i never was.
i never will be.
i am destined to race my own shadow in my own imaginary circles for my own ridiculous eternity.

(2 Took The Best Parts Back | Give Me What I Lack )

7:27PM

should i be worried? i don't want to get obssessive...but this isnt you. blowing me off, not calling me back, not signing on for 2 days...
too much death around a person, and it begins to be the only reason they think of.

( Give Me What I Lack )

1:19PM

i don't know what you want from me. seriously. if all i am to you is a mouth to suck your cock, then fuck this. i wanted to be your friend. i thought that you wanted to be mine. im not even asking you for a relationship, and on top of that, you're miles away from me. both when you're at home and at school. i don't want to be your girlfriend. i don't want to whine. i don't want to track you down all the time. i don't want to have to look for you. i should just know you're there. i'm not even asking you to be a better lover, or be a boyfriend...i'm just asking you to be a friend. is that too much to ask after all that i do for you?
i fall for it every time. every fucking shitty time. and with you, i thought it was different. because when i'm in your arms, things feel like they should...like i imagined it would. but no. maybe i was wrong. if you just want to fuck me and gloat about it...then fine. fuck me and let's get this done with.

you need to straighten out your life.
you need to sort out your girl situation.
you need to stop smoking.
you need to decide how you feel about me.

until then...

( Give Me What I Lack )

1:09PM

boys are all dicks.
take that.

( Give Me What I Lack )

5:16PM

oh esurance. i laugh at you. and the fact that my very angry mother and i are going to sue you for fraud, you bastards.

( Give Me What I Lack )

6:43PM - i'm ready for a kill

i'm going to kill someone or something. it's been almost 2 whole weeks since my accident and the goddamned fucking insurance company still hasnt sent someone to look at the motherfucking car and sign a motherfukcing sheet of paper. it isnt rocket science...hell it isnt even regular science! i can tell you its totaled. MY GRANDMOTHER CAN FUCKING TELL YOU ITS TOTALED! so mr. lame ass insurance company, get your lazy retarded ass down here and make a fucking check out to my parents. you didnt get here in the two days your policy states you're going to come in, so now my parents are fucking stranded without care for 5 fucking kids, thanks to you, you shitheads. i hope you all go to hell.

Current mood: predatory

( Give Me What I Lack )

12:22PM

in response to my last post, i did not mean we were old. i just meant we were growing up.
growing up is inevitable, growing old is optional.
i'm picking not to grow old.

( Give Me What I Lack )

1:22AM - "we felt the lightining and waited on the thunder..."

woke last night to the sound of thunder.
how far off, i sat and wondered.
started hummin' a song from 1962.
ain't it funny how the night moves,
when you just don't seem to have much to lose.
strange how the night moves,
with autumn closin' in....

so, this is it. that was our junior summer. swoosh. it flew by me like the breath of the shore. now all i have is bob seger and some memories. i'll put those in a box. we're all getting so old. we're almost 18. flying from the nest, freefallin' out into whatever is out there for us. and i wish that whatever life throws at us, you all remember this: growing old is bittersweet. it has its own ups and downs. appreciate the sweet. live for the sweet things that come in all types of boxes and shapes. and withstand the bitter things with the help of those you love, and whom love you. remember there are those worse off than you are, and always offer those worse off a helping hand and an open heart.
it feels like last night i was putting teeth under my pillow and then i'm here now, awake, (with all my teeth now, mind you.) and i'm seventeen. we're not little kids anymore, or even kids at all. our lives are glowing in our hands. take it and run with it.
go on.
run.

may you all find happiness wherever you wander.

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: night moves - bob seger

(2 Took The Best Parts Back | Give Me What I Lack )

10:31AM

leaving on a jet plane...


i'm going to hawaii on weds. i'll see you all when i get back. and there had better be some crazy rockin parties goin down when i get back on the 1st.

peace out, cub scouts.

(2 Took The Best Parts Back | Give Me What I Lack )